* fragments of the same dead star



a girl who doesnt live life the way she wants it to be, peppering her existence with countless regrets along the lifelong journey



EARCANDY

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

shopping in solitude is actually quite a refreshing change. and i ended up paying a quarter for the original price for the la senza bag. (yes if you're thinking wth la senza sells bags?!) it's my new taitai bag meant to be accessorised with a pretty pretty scarf and carrying it the taitai way which i have yet to get accustomed to. but i'm getting pretty good at it i must say, i carried my shopping bags the taitai way today and i rilly felt like one tho i was only in shorts and a hoodie jacket.

AND i was having a headache all day and the pain vanished immediately once i started shopping. this is what they call.. retail therapy.

and it's also quite funny how other pple are doing sort-of online shopping for me hahah.

unexpectedly managed to have lunch w nikki today (2nd day in a row!) and she managed to restrain my shopping inpulses by psychoing me not to get the mango bag i wanted. it's 85 bucks and honestly it's super not worth it but yesterday i could have sworn i loved it so much i had that 'have to have it' moment. thank gdness i didnt bring money out yest if not i think i rilly might have gone and gotten it!

and ashley wins the 'sweetest friend of the day' award! he called to say that he went to the much-talked-about donut shop at raffles city and was planning to surprise me at work with donuts! but he gave up queueing hahahaha gee it rilly is that long huh. but it's the thought that counts! so awwwww ashley so sweeeeet which is nice for a change :x

speaking of friends.. i cant wait to see da and ka x) it's gonna be soon and we're going to have fun i know it i just know it! i still find it awfully cute how da booked me for sunday night cos she did it using an awfully 'mysterious' number which loses it's anonymity becos everyone saves it under awfullychocolate ;D

i had dinner in the car today, it came as a zara bag containing a lunchboxful of laksa fried rice and a little bottle of yakult. laksa fried rice sounds crazy huh! prepared by the mother and the sister. i'm feeling the love :)

and the end of the day led me to realise that what i ever wanted will very well turn out to be the last thing i need.

jalan sempadan here i come.







warning: you may not want to read this entry if you haven't watched babel.

Genesis 11:1-9
the tower of babel
1 Now the whole world had one language and a common speech. 2 As men moved eastward, they found a plain in Shinar and settled there.

3 They said to each other, "Come, let's make bricks and bake them thoroughly." They used brick instead of stone, and tar for mortar. 4 Then they said, "Come, let us build ourselves a city, with a tower that reaches to the heavens, so that we may make a name for ourselves and not be scattered over the face of the whole earth."

5 But the LORD came down to see the city and the tower that the men were building. 6 The LORD said, "If as one people speaking the same language they have begun to do this, then nothing they plan to do will be impossible for them. 7 Come, let us go down and confuse their language so they will not understand each other."

8 So the LORD scattered them from there over all the earth, and they stopped building the city. 9 That is why it was called Babel - because the LORD confused the language of the whole world. From there the LORD scattered them over the face of the whole earth.

* * *

babel was awesome (possum!) ! i'd hate to be a spoiler cos i only know too well how disgusting it is when someone spoils a show for you. i swear there's an america's-next-top-model curse on me because i always find out the winner no matter how hard i try to stop myself from finding out.

so anyway back to babel. it's rilly wow like rilly. for one thing, it shows that there is a single human force that everyone everywhere (with all abilities or disabilities) is capable of feeling becos it takes the shape of so many forms. i say it's a force because it can break all kinds of barriers be it geographical, social, legal, cultural, whatever they may be. this force can be healing or destructive, depending on your situation and how you react to it. whatever it is, everyone longs for it.. and when they're starved of it their desperation can even confuse them and they do things that are considered wrong by socially approved moral standards.

another thing is the irony that man made law as a guideline for people to do the right thing, yet the law also shows it's 'evil' side.. it's intolerance for people to bend the rules that it sets people apart.. which makes it seem cold and cruel and unfeeling and uncompassionate and inhumane. inhumane also because of how easily 'law-abiding' people with authority abuse their power. innocent pple get punched by the peace-keepers! the law even drives people to do the wrong thing, eg. failure to communicate makes people frustrated, then angry, and angry people are scary people (santiago got reckless and rebellious because the policeman was being such a bitch to him). this law that helps people do the legally right thing can also paradoxically be another tower of babel.

a beautiful thing about this force is that no matter the obstacles that stand in its way.. it never fails to be a life saver. an ugly thing about it is how the people whom you thought you could rely on (eg. you'd rather trust the people in your travel group than a bunch of illiterate villagers who dont understand you when you desperately need to ask for help) will turn their backs on you when you need them and worry about 'luxury' needs like air conditioning to keep cool and the delay of schedules due to the busy lives that modern man now live in. huge contrast to third world country citizens who have so much time in the world they stop to stare and marvel at tourists who arrive in their village and run after chickens, buses and helicopters. then you start to wonder are you rilly more well-off because of affluence, or does affluence make society more cruel. after all first world citizens still commit suicide as a form of escapism (high-rise japanese buildings are an easy escape route). why turn away from a life that's supposedly of better quality? who's to say that the poor don't have a better quality of life no doubt less comfortable? if such a basic form of civilisation can still survive and continue up to now, it must surely mean it's not a life unworthy of living?

and how the pursuit of this force confuses you, and others around you.. thus pushing others further from you when what you wanted was to draw closer. and how you should never stop expressing your needs even if you dont know how to do it properly becos you shld have faith that one day someone will understand you. and strangely how people fail to see that what they need was always there for them and they try to find it in everywhere else in vain.

another twist is that this force doesnt mean eradicating boundaries. it means setting boundaries for your children, and that's an imperative. without these boundaries, parents cant give kids the guidance they need, not putting these boundaries equates to neglect and then the whole family falls apart. just like how you cant shove a gun into a kid's hands before the kid learns how to use it responsibly. kids cant learn what's right if they're neglected, so dont be surprised if they go around peeping at their own sisters. (while watching i cldnt figure this part out but now i think i get it) yeah so despite how this force can break boundaries.. there ARE boundaries that aren't meant to be broken. instead, this force helps to build the boundaries that we need.

and so God destroyed the tower of babel but He never abandons us because He knows that this force (which you obviously know now that it's love) will find a way to bring His people back together again, not without hardships of course but that's the whole power of this force that it can overcome anything.

and that's the way i see the movie. omg i'm a major spoiler so sorry okay i shall stop spilling more beans. shall wait for mone to be done crapping so she can send me her commercial, gnight!

you cannot find out what you want
until you discover who you really are




we want more than this world's got to offer

i miss the dancers (but not the situps :x)
i miss the class!

i miss cdk!
i'd miss nate&nikki too but we met up today! she gave me a domestic goddess lesson today. one day, i'm going to be almost as good as her! uh maybe. hahah.

i miss mone, teddybear and rahrah too!

and i miss ariel/badie. especially viona and zhiying where have you 2 been!


last but not least i miss the toilet cleaner (haha!). of cos not just ANY toilet cleaner but the dangerous one who's going to play with guns tmr ohmy so scary.

yknw with this long break that we have now i thought i'd be able to accomplish like a lot of things like do yoga or something or learn to cook or whatnot. but instead everyone's rushing off to work and drive and nobody has time for each other anymore and what's the fun in that? work work work. in school there's work outside school there's work. is this all that we live for?!

we were meant to live for so much more
have we lost ourselves?

finally stayed home all day due to unforseen circumstances (sorry sarah! :/) but it turned out to be not so bad after all. operation clean up phase 1A is completed. actually it's not completely completed but there's not that much left to do so it's almost finished which makes it like done alrdy la.

okay phase 1 is just my wardrobe.. and i have solved the mystery of why i never have anything to wear altho it looked adequately filled. it's becos the ratio of wearable to unwearable clothes is like 1:5. i have so many things that scream at me 'what were you thinking?!' so yeah in life everyone makes mistakes, inevitably some of them sartorial. at least now i know that when i have nothing to wear.. it's rilly true.

seeing so much space in the wardrobe now does sorrrrt of put me back in the shopping kinda mood which i seem to have lost again. i dont even feel the want to shop for cny. i'm now thinking to myself heck just find something red and wear it. doesnt have to be new does it? just not black. but nowadays even that taboo seems to have lifted.

phase 1B is tackling the problem of how to get the unwanted clothes out of my room.. out of the house.. out of sight basically. the first thing that comes to mind is give them away to a charity but then again i have inertia.. which means i will probably never get it done anytime soon. but that's another operation clean up for another day.



this heart, it beats
beats for only you

i dont know what put me in a semi-reflective mood today, but it made me think a bit too much. a few random but somehow important points to note.

# always make sure you're clear about what you set out to do before you start.
or else it'll end up being a waste of time, and possibly other people's time as well. and that's never any good is it. okay oh no i feel bad now :l

# stars and rain don't go together
it seems quiiiiite logical if you think about it.. and it helps that i like stars and i dont like rainy nights.

# the best policy is honesty
have you ever wondered how those highly annoying pikpiak girls (highly amusing term coined by liting, referring to girls who wear those ugly cheap looking strappy heels which make the noisy pikpiak sound) who dress in pink from head to toe, stringy tops and rahrah skirts and all.. how they still manage to find guys who are attracted to them. i mean i always believe that no matter how weird you may be, well there's always someone for everyone. but it suddenly occured to me that even tho their taste is highly questionable, pikpiak girls stay true to themselves. they know what they like and they go for it. and it's perfectly understandable that guys will be attracted to girls who stay true to themselves.. honest about who they are.. becos who will go for a poser? besides posers. so in a way honesty can also be beauty. or am i being too far fetched?

# sometimes interests can only take you so far
pursuing passion in a place like singapore.. will either motivate you to success or send you to doomsville. in other countries there will be large enough markets to accept all kinds of ventures you plan to take. but here.. sad to say.. it's that much harder. in any case for starters just be sure to get decent academic grades, equip yrself with as many skills as you can learn, and brush up on interpersonal skills for charisma. okay i know easier said than done.

# i am fat
why cant i stop having cravings. why must i think of lamian and xiaolongpao. why cant i think of fruits and 8 glasses of water and all those nutty health things. why cant i lose weight. but more imptly why cant i stop saying im fat and accept myself for who i am. BECOS I RILLY AM FAT ahhaha roar. i think only girls will truly understand.

# hollywood is hard work
celebrity glitz and glamour aside, hollywoodies work rilly hard to get to where they are (unlike the local shows we have where facial expressions look so superficial and everything from their body movements to their tone of speech seems so fake and forced and rehearsed). at least that's what i'd like to think, after seeing the last bit of the golden globes awards on starworld this afternoon. for every hollywoodie who gets sucked into the fame and tabloid rahrahs, there will be another one who understands that he/she is earning a living just like everyone else, and will work hard to be good at his/her trade. the golden globes seemed more simplistic and humble in comparison to the big oscars, and sometimes simple is better. usually i tune out when i hear the actors give their thank yous to the producers script writers directors blah blah but today i actually heard the genuine gratitude in their voices. it's just the actors who take the front line becos thats the nature of their work, but in reality a whole league of people made it all work taking years of toil.. just for our viewing pleasure. of cos i'm talking about the good shows la, i mean they did make it to be nominees for awards and all.

oh oh and i love what the babel director said in his thank you speech. he said something about speaking in 5000 languages or smth.. then he said emotion doesn't need translation and that's the beauty of it.

omg la so awww-worthy right!!!! and golden globes reminds me of another point

# uk people seem more intelligent somehow than us people
helen mirren had so much more class than all the other american award recipients. and it seemed so effortless for her, like she had it in her all the while. uk people just seem to have a knack for that sometimes. and her speech was quite quote-worthy too tho it was too long to remember. about her role as queen elizabeth, she said something about how it was the queen herself that the audience fell in love with, not with helen herself as an actress. quite smart la. and the brit comedy movie i watched last week was not the slapstick haha kind, but more of the witty subtle 'ooohhh i get it haha' kind.

okay i think i'm getting boring i shall be abrupt and end here. and i have morning shift tmr so gnight sleep tight if the bed bugs bite then too bad.

charlotte culottes http://ilovetoswirl.com/product_detail.asp?prodid=148 haha. imagine a felt chick on a hot chick :x okay la my jokes not funny la.

of course i dont miss homework, but i miss writing somewhat. havent done it for so long. and punching on the calculator lol. i remember how all the girls had all the crazy stickers on every free space on their calculators! it's all very cute rilly, but i limited myself to 2 little ones yay. and i put the blue poofy heart shape one on the ANS button so it's rilly fun to press. and omg this is crazy but i miss doing maths. this.. coming from me.. is.. insane.

eating at katong gave me a chance to visit da at work and if not for me having dinner soon after, i could very well do with another scoop of chocolate ice cream yumm.. and gastronomically speaking my junk food craving just switched to nasi lemak craving. and not to forget the xiaolongpao. never enough!

okay i'm fat so i'll stop the foodtalk roar gnight.

it only takes a minute of your precious time
to turn around and i'll be two steps behind

today was a super crowded day. morning shift feels shorter than afternoon, altho there isnt any difference in duration. i hate crappy customers who shout at me for no bloody reason. it's assumptions. people assume too quickly sometimes. like she probably assumed i was telling her off. or it could be pride. sometimes you just need to tell people things without them asking, for their own benefit and purely nothing else.. but they just dont like being told what to do. but i like the nice customers who smile back at me when i smile at them and ask for advice and all that smalltalk. there never fails to be a quirky situation or two each day, so it makes each day different. and i like the people i work with so yes.

and people who're knowledgeable in their trade.. they get too cocky for their own good when it comes to dealing with customers with imperfect knowledge (econs term haha). while buying a bouquet for my grandma, the head of the bouquet was snubbing me the best she knew how. what a @)$*(!! and she left me standing by myself wth. so i approached another worker who admitted she didnt know how to arrange a bouquet, so could she refer me to the head 'or is she too fierce?' so i replied 'no thanks she was rather unhelpful'. i hope the head heard.. i hope i spoilt her day HAHA okay i'm so mean. i bought lilies for lily! but in the end i heard her favourite are orchids :l ahahha.

my grandma is so cute. i asked her 'mama how old are you today?' and she replied 'seventy-........' then someone else piped in '78!' and mama was like 'no la! should be 76 or 77....' but in the end we counted and she was rilly 78 and mama was like 'huh.....' in a disappointed way hahahah.

today's twisted version of english tea with biscuits turned out to be chinese tea with percy pigs
(percy pigs courtesy of jaena)

and i realise everybody loves rive gauche chocolate cake! funny how everyone seems to know it somehow. in any case.. kadachar loves it :D

us cousins had a girls night out after dinner, with the 2 guys m.i.a (one in moscow, the other too tired). and i rilly shouldnt be online still cos i have morning shift again okay gnight.

i've got some imperfections
but how can you collect them all
and throw them in my face
don't talk to me with your mouth full of toothpaste
i can't believe after trying to look out for your convenience more than once today, you have to give me your snapbacks. yes that's right. i thought for you. thanks for not appreciating it. i know you oh-so-love to think of me as a selfish twerp. life is full of surprises, but sometimes it's not. if you always expect something to be a certain way, it's most likely going to turn out exactly like that.
and expect me to decipher your words
you're a walking contradiction and you know it, and from what i see all you do is bleed miserably to death on the inside and that's pretty much about it. maybe i'm not making much sense, you dont have to listen.
okay so i'm angry now but you're wonderful and i still love you.
and to another you, thanks for always not listening.

and to another another you, thanks for nothing.

okay anger aside, a fun day planned with kaka was dashed! :( but kaka i hope you're feeling alright now. had a good dinner with da, i finally had the xiaolongpao i was longing for aaaagess!! omg everyday when i go to work i always think to myself how xiaolongpao is always 10 metres away. so near yet so far! but i think i didnt have enough xiaolongpaos to satisfy my craving. i want more! and oh no i'm recently having cravings for JUNK FOOD noooooooo at this rate i'm going to put back the 1 kg i mysteriously lost :(

da came with a cute surprise.. awfully chocolate ice cream in the cute little box thing hahaha. and it's not bad rilly. yay! da is sweeter than her sweet treat hahah.

but i still need more chocolate :(

and OH people, announcement to make. it is advisable not to msg me between the time of around 3am to like 10am. becos i have a tendency to sleepread. in my sleep i vaguely remember feeling my handphone vibration, but i DON'T remember opening the msgs. so when i wake up i don't see the '1 new message' sign on my phone since i alrdy opened it, but technically i havent read it. so far it has happened like 5 or 6 times and i guess there has been many unreported cases that have gone undetected by me. i found out that i sleepread 2 consecutive nights in a row this week so yes. and 1 particular msg was exceptionally sweet and i can't imagine that it almost went undetected. it would've been in my inbox practically unread forever! and another was exceptionally emo and i must have come across as being so heartless cos i didnt reply it. oh no. okay i realise i still havent replied it. okay i must do it now.

i didnt rilly have a good night's sleep last night, what with the exceptionally high number of messages streaming in this morning.. but i appreciated most of them :) msg of the day comes from irene becos it was especially sweet and totally unexpected! love you long time too girl!

and oh my grandma and kaka's grandpa and heinhun have the same birthday!

dance by yourself and
think of me when you do

got this from nikki who got it from dawn

Your Birthdate: February 4

You don't love lightly. For you, love is always a serious undertaking.However, you are able to love many types of people. You can bring out the best in almost anyone.Love surprises you often. You never know when or where you'll find it next. Number of True Loves You'll Have: 2 Number of Times You'll Have Your Heart Broken: 2 You are most compatible with people born on the 4th, 13th, 22nd, and 31st of the month.

but they forgot to add 18th to the list haha

when i'm gone, you'll need love
to light the shadows on your face





http://youtube.com/watch?v=65X78tUEMa0

this vid from jea gave me another reason to love sexy love. whoahhh the beat rocks mannnz and they are so hot hahahah this vid is DIE DIE MUST WATCH. is it LA hiphop? i kinda think so.. is it is it? ahhh so hotttttttt

spin me round again and rub my eyes
this can't be happening
when busy streets a mess with people
would stop to hold their heads heavy



i can dance like justin timberlake! okay that's only cos jea taught me a few slick moves. and ming re-taught me gin's old choreo with her own step incorporated at the end hahah.

good job j1s! oh my i mean j2s. (omg i'm a j3?!) good to see the incandescence girls still going strong, but there have been a few who've improved tremendously! at least to me. i'm so proud of them in a way!

omgdness i need to improve too. i want to learn the syf routine! but tt means i must quit my job asap. and the dance production needs to materialise!! then cj alumni can do a couple of items. and we oldies can perform again rah that's seriously what i need now something to work towards. if i start taking up dance classes it wont leave me with as much satisfaction and purpose as having to perform it. please brother paul let us finally have a production that we long deserve.

a list of songs that i want to dance to in at least once in some point of my life:
Imogen Heap - hide and seek
Ne-Yo - sexy love
Britney Spears - born to make you happy (hahahahaha yea it has a nice beat okay!)
Heart - these dreams
Foreigner - hot blooded
Kelly Clarkson - where is your heart
Beyonce - sugamama
and that centrestage song dont know the title.
maybe i'll get sick of some songs and along the way new songs will come in so yea this little list here aint fixed.



i'm so addicted to how she's the sweetest drug
just enough.. still too much
say that i'm slippin' up sprung on love be above
i can't help she makes me say

sexy love
girl the things you do
keep my sprung
keep me running back to you
oo i love
making love to you
baby girl you know you're my
sexy love

:(

oh.my.gawd.my.feet.hurt.like.crap.

:(

oh no oh no my zit won't go away and it's rilly big and ugly and i just want to stay home and hide from the world. BUT I CAN'T!




what is this that sends black fireworks dancing around me?

it's no big deal anymore.. all the new year countdowns, xmas, birthdays etc. but i guess this shows we're growing up and not easily excited by such things tho wasn't it quite sweet in a way how kids are so easily contented? i always found it very amusing how little toddlers start crying but when the big guys scoop them up in their arms and swing them around and make them touch the ceiling, the toddlers are suddenly on top of the world.

i remember a couple of days ago when i was at the vivo rooftop and we saw the preparations for the new year countdown and thinking hey that looks pretty cool. but watching snippets of it on tv and i was like huhhhhhh liddat only.. poor singaporean celebrities rilly, doing all this nonsense.

and suejean takes the prize for 'most unexpected last activity of 2006' and 'most expected first word spoken of 2007' hahah

i love sj's weighing scale cos it says i lost 1 kg. but i gained it all back today. i ate like a hippo. and i look like a panda. eyebags! now is not the time to wreck my sleeping pattern again.

i never probably realised that jc life is over. it's been fast but it's been good. i've changed quite a bit these 2 years, tho i cant discern if it's cos of environment, situations, nature, or just me. some people say changes can be so extreme that they dont recognise the 'changed person' anymore. but somehow i believe people dont rilly change.. they just become more of themselves than who they were before. like how we always try to present our best selves to the public.. we dont say or do what we rilly want to just cos others might disapprove.. or we say or do things we dont agree with just to follow the crowd.. but along the way we just go heck i'll just be me and if nobody likes it to hell with them.

academically speaking, i wish i pushed myself to do more. but too late now. at least now i've finally really learned not to run away from difficult things. short run it helps to relieve you but in the long run you become frantic. maybe last minute stress helps to push you too but i rilly shld have given myself an easier time and just worked a little harder. okay maybe much harder. okay forget it! no more schoolwork yay. but looking back, i do wish i was nicer to my teachers.. :l oh well they were rilly ugh sometimes.

i love the friends i've made thus far :) tho sometimes i think i cld have been friendlier when meeting new pple and stuff. i can safely say i have not much regret in this aspect. i've tried my best to do my best for the pple ard me. i've made conscious effort to open up more to pple ard me, tho i think i still have to work on this one. i admit i got a little more bitchy (but nothing purely spiteful nonetheless), but still i dont think i showed any malice to anyone. my tolerance level has been tested a few times but i'm glad for the fact that i was never the spiteful kind. i generally dont mean harm to anyone. spread the love!

dance became quite a big part of my life recently. a huge change from kc days, when i couldnt be bothered to do anything. it meant a lot to me when someone told me how much i've grown and improved from kc dance days, it's one of those things i'll always remember. dance isnt something i see myself pursuing as a career or smth as hardcore (damn my inflexibility and lousy technique) but i guess it's an interest that will never die out. without it as a cca, i still want to continue doing it somehow. one of my lifelong dreams is to be able to choreo a dance and see it being performed on stage. it could be a simple item on a small stage, whatever. i just rilly admire pple who choreo it just seems so unimaginably difficult cos there's so much to think about. i remember the beginning of 2005 when i told myself concerning dance to just let go of all my inhibitions, shyness.. self consciousness.. and just give everything. and i think it has paid off. i enjoy all the performing (altho the ones in school are sometimes jus those entertainment value haha kind), syf was a huge lesson for me. in kc we had everything spoonfed to us in a way but i felt we had to work so much harder for what we wanted for ourselves in jc. danceworks was another major experience, all the extremes from pure elation to the great letdown we felt them all. but it was good for me. i have to say the danceworks stage was the most intense with the crowd and everything. my next stage to conquer.. funkamania! i rilly wanna be up there one day soon i hope. watching it just isnt good enough!

okay i think it's time to sleep. i think i have a long day ahead of me.
super sigh :/