* fragments of the same dead star



a girl who doesnt live life the way she wants it to be, peppering her existence with countless regrets along the lifelong journey



EARCANDY

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

not tired but wheeled

chillout w nick was cancelled cos the poor bastard's down with the flu awwww haha. just as well anyway, cos luke and weijie managed to drag me outta the house.

blading at east coast was fun. whee :)
all e way to the end at tanjong rhu. i've never been that far along the east coast stretch. i usually stay within the bedok jetty to the lighthouse. anyway lotsa fun.

and now i'm tired.

oh and i missed my stop cos 2 malays blocked my way before i could get out the door. either they're 1) slow (i doubt so) 2) obsessively self-centred until nothing from the outside world can reach their tuned-out ears 3) indifferent to others besides themselves (which is like a repetition of point 2). i seriously don't wish to be racist, but it doesn't help that they're malays either.

but a longer walk home wasn't necessarily bad. the walk from eunos station to home didn't seem as far as it is. (looking back, it really is far) but the walking was good. i guess walking at night is fun okay wth am i saying.

any day with dancers is a rawkin day. man you guys rilly made a potentially blah day into a fun sunday :)

nobody's gonna take me higher

yest was mum's birthday. but i didnt make it feel like her special day.. i didnt show enuff that i love her and stuff. i wish i could replay friday and make things right.

outing w irene was great. despite my horrible shoes which hurt when i walk too much. oh scrap that! we spent like the whole day out! it's been like ages since we last met and we can still remember what we said since our last outing. i love how we can still continue our friendship from where we left off. it's amazing. :)

to whom it may concern: to be honest i dont like the way i get put down by your comments. i know you dont mean to be hurtful in any way, but the things you say get to me sometimes. i just feel judged somehow. and it's like, you dont know when you've crossed the line even when i've said so. well maybe i said so too subtly but cos i dont want to make things strained cos i dont need complicated shit. maybe i'm too complicated. or whatever. i'm going to brush this aside and hopefully i can put this behind me. but i dunno maybe one day i'll really lash out at you and things will REALLY get messy but i'l leave that for another day tho hopefully i wont have to.

to nick: you may not know it and you may not believe it, but i really understand how you feel. about what you talked to me about last night. i might not know how to make you feel better.. but i hope one day you'll be happier.

patience is not my virtue.

stop raining!! cmon stop it!! stop it!!

i just can't get to sleep today

i slept at 3am and woke up at 750ish and i couldnt get back to sleep. what's with that?? so i got out of bed by 820 and im still awake. have resolved to revise maths later. and prolly get round to doing econs. oh well all play and no work makes charlotte stupid after a while. so i must do smth about it.

i must say sunday wasnt a very good day. blame it on my carelessness. i wasnt planning to go for dinner w mum and her folks. but she sounded disappointed when i told her brigette and i wouldnt be going. so i changed my mind, thinking it'd make mum happier.
oh goodness. i dont know what came over me but i actually missed the stop at redhill. i was listening out to all the stops but why didnt i hear the redhill one? my gawd. and i only realised i was too far out only until i reached dover and i thought to myself.. i've never been as far to dover. holy mackerel. and dover station is irritating. too big for it's own good. so i ended up being late. and mum was angry.
i think the west sucks.

and i think the next time i meet up with mum i wont blast my earphones so i'll notice her when she's yelling at me. and i wouldnt come across as being rude.

i dont know why i got pissed at myself and at my mum for the whole thing. come to think of it, it was entirely my fault.

dinner was horrible. looking back, i cant figure out why i was feeling so down. i almost broke down at the dinner table. my gawd. how could that possibly happen.

my sheer disability to speak chinese deprives me of a deeper relationship with my grandparents. and i hate that. but i know things cant be better. cos i know my chinese will never improve.

and oh please can it just stop raining. i want to take a shower but it's too cold now.

okay so we didnt go tanning

blast the weather. but it was a fun day nevetheless.

shopping w sarah! but before leaving the house i searched high and low (and i rilly mean high and low) for my schoolbag cos my keys are in it. turns out my sister took my bag out. with keys and all. and i had to look for her keys which only the good lord knows where on earth she put them. in the end i took a hee-yuge risk by closing the door without locking it. gawd. but desperate situations call for desperate means.(i know there's a phrase smth liddat but i cant seem to remember)

brought my sister's ipod to the apple centre to fix it. waiting time is like let's say forever give or take a day or two. we met gwen! went walkin ard all over wheelock while waiting for our turn. do you know that scrapbooking is an art? so says the school of scrapbooking. wth but sounds like fun no? and we got the spastic toy thingythingys from those stacked-up toy machines! yknoe the put the coin in, twist the dial and out pops this plastic capsule with a spastic piece of plastic. yeah that. but this time cant resist la. too adorable. it was the disney princess pendant thingies. sarah got snow white's apple. and i got belle's rose!! omg i love belle. the last time i played with that twist-for-the-toy thingy at cine, i got belle too. we have fate.

and turns out. the applecentre guy managed to work my sister's ipod just by charging it?? after all that waiting?? i dunno whether the apple guy cheated me or my sister cheated me. like one hour wasted.
but just so you know, i think the apple centre is full of obnoxious people so full of themselves jus cos they own ipods, ibooks, imacs, idunnowhatelse. you're all snubbers every single one of you. dont worry if you own an ipod or smth, you're not counted cos you weren't in the apple centre that day.

we saw gwen in the apple centre :)


and we saw bella in zara ;>


we were drawn into shopping in shaw tower's isetan. jus cos sarah got excited at the topshop sign at the window. and we found a friggin nine west sale?! i mean who could afford a pair of nine wests! but the shoe sale only made the day more surprising in a weird way. from wheelock to shaw towers, we encountered 3 different charlottes. we know cos we heard charlottes' friends calling after all 3 of them. the caucasians have a nice way of saying charlotte. they kinda accent on the char and relax on the lotte. that's precisely how my name's supposed to be pronounced. but its okay if you like go all typically singaporean and say char-lert. i guess i'm not that particular. as long as you dont bitch about me behind my back i dont care how my name goes.

i got a bag i'm gonna use for school next year. it has a cute peacock design. :) it looks kinda big but hey who knows what kinda stuff i gotta lug to and from sch next year. 2006 may be the year of the dog but it's also the year of the hardcore muggerbabies.

far east made us realise that we are clumsy clowns. but we're also assured that we arent the worst of the lot. i will not poke fun at the woman at an unknown shop who made a bigger (and louder) mess than we ever made.

and far east also made us realise how disgusting materialistic some bimbos can be. during dinner at long john's we were strategically seated next to 2 branded shiznits. one of em was the rich kid who went on and on and on and never off about all her glitzy shopping trips where she bought all her luxury stuff. and her shopping buddy lapped it all in. what was horrendous when richkid asked her what she wanted a present. shoppingbuddy curtly said GUCCI BAG. richkid said no in some uncouth way. shoppingbuddy then horribly said THEN GUCCI WALLET LOR. ohmygawdokay. if these are what friends are for, i'd rather have enemies. and the shocking thing is that they dress up in branded shit and use chanel and dior lipgloss and all that. but they speak incredulously. so unclassy it screams 'uneducated ill upbringing'. their conversation was peppered w hokkien vulgarities like knn and nabeh and the like. even their branded lipgloss cannot salvage the crass that comes out of their mouths.


oh and the balcony rocks. even after going there, i dunno wth the lush mix party is heck all about.

ohmygawdokay. with joshua/matt/ryan/seth/tim it just evolved into oma gadoke. no offence if there are japs out there with such a name.

and my happy mood just plunged down to -139 on a scale of 1 to 1000. my sister just told me a few secs ago that her ipod still isnt working. and she wants me to go back there wait in line for another million years to get it back to order.

okay darling. you have your exams and i cant do anything about that. but either you wait till they're over and you fix your own problems or you just as hell make me pissed off at you. becos dont take me to be at ur beck and call, 24 hour service with no charge out of sisterly lovingkindess. just cos we're related doesnt mean i have an obligation to be your fcukin doormat. well maybe i do have an obligation but no i dont think i'm that nice. and one more thing. stop demanding respect. please earn it.

nevetheless

altho i spent the whole day at home it wasnt without fun and humour. i wouldnt say laughter cos technically i didnt laugh out loud but yknow what i mean.

it was so hard to get to sleep cos all us creeps who watched emily rose were friggin scared. vincent was gaming away. xavier had trouble sleepin altho he did manage to sleep before i did. nick and i yakked the morning away from 3 am onwards (the devil's hour) until my hp batt almost died. i have free incoming don't worry. how can this show have a pg rating? it scared the shit out of everyone la. my sister says they probably censored some parts. a lot of parts. still it was freaky.

spent my afternoon editing pictures. i'm hooked. oops. i've got liting hooked too. she made a nice picture of us and i'm so proud of her haha.

i had to go to sleep hungry which made me feel like a poor third-world kid cos i was too scared to go downstairs. i'm going to sleep hungry tonight too cos i'm still too scared to go downstairs. i'm cursed with the habit of feeling hungry at night.

janice and i had a fun wordless dialogue. you'll do *sponge while i'll do (pat). and have fun with online learning kiddo.

i sent nick my whole compilation of 1t32 classroom madness pictures. hell a lot la. and we had fun laughing at the funny ones. the sleepyhead and flowers in bloom and why so seductive pictures and many more. like i have already said, please preserve it like a historical artefact.
if you don't get what i mean, get this.

haha.

but joshua has to take the cake la. our pretend conversation was h-i-l-arious! i pretended to be kate. while mr joshua ambitious joseph here had to pretend to be not 1, not 2, and no not even 3, but friggin 4 pple namely tim, ryan, seth and matt. like hello?! ahahhaha. but that was one of our funniest shit ever.

staying at home was never this fun.

recap recap

been too darn lazy to log in and blog. and so many things happenin and shit. ugh. okay i shall try to remember and condense.

14th nov was a very important day. cos it was SARAH's and JANICE's birthdays! 2 of my bestest friends in the world yay. hope you two enjoyed that night we spent altogether, and also all the times we have ever spent.. our kc days and all.

to sarah: remember our burgundy 5 and 6 days. we were like arch enemies and we used to hate each other. all the way until our 1/7 days. i'm glad we've put our pretty misunderstandings aside and i've got to know the real you instead of the bitchy you i thought you were. i like totally love you now! :) i love shopping with you. i love tanning with you. i love watching serendipity (kate beskinsale!!) and mee pok man with you. i love living so near to you. your excitement is contagious i swear. and your amnesia... oh i forget. hahahah. i love you la sarah.

to janice: altho i only knew you better like real late.. maybe end of 2004? or even just this year.. you've become someone whom i can trust and someone who's such a great listener you have been promoted to LISTENING EAR status :D i'm sorry for slapping you public and if they ever hurt. after all, i AM your violent barbaric barbie. you have the best pool skills la okay. i know my pool skills suck i admit it now!! i hope you keep my letter for you and never ever lose it. remember that i love you cos i'm taller than you. ;> kidding. i love watching mee pok man with you too janice. ni zhi dao wo zai deng ni ma?????

happy birthday to jeanette too who turned sweet seventeen on the 15th! sweet cos she coincidentally received not 1, not 2, but 3 brownie cakes for her birthday. hahaha. to make up for all the brownies that our school stopped selling? i love jea yay ;)

and val i hope you love your present!

okay birthdays aside, dance was a killer. altho we learnt like the shortest routine ever in a day, the crunches did us all in. my neck hurts now cos i do crunches wrongly. i do use my stomach muscles too but i keep using my neck to like keep my head up or smth. friggin hurts. my shoulders hurt too cos of the crumple move, if that's what it's called. yknoe the fast nigger thing that fergie does. damn cool if you can do it properly, damn spastic if you can't. dance rocks la.

job hunting along siglap was spontaneous fun.

today was movie day. we watched the emily rose film. omg scary. i hate 3 am now. i also hate 1 2 3 4 5 6. but somehow i didnt feel the damn-scared-after-watching after-effects. i like feel normal now. but in the cinema i was like OMG OMG and like being scared and all. seeing guys get scared is funny too. seriously funny.

i need to get tan. and i need to eat less.

finally a sunday spent away from home

last night was the wackiest 2 am of my life.

outing w gemma today. i cannot believe it. we actually did it. yes. we took neoprints again. why must we always be so retarded!! why gemma why!!!! chilled here chilled there walked a lot.

dear secretfriend (you know who you are),
thanks for the unexpected surprise! i had no idea what was coming.. but it was sweet anyway. i'm rilly rilly rilly touched by what you have done, and by all that you have ever done. you're always helping me out. one day i want to help you out in a big way, as you have already done in so many ways for me. thanks for everything! and i mean everything! :)

love,
charlotte

shopping is my remedy

any day spent with liting is a happy sunshine day :)
and to think i was feeling so ugh in the morning

shopping for others is bad, cos liting and i end up shopping for ourselves! we realised we were standing and walking around nonstop from like 3plus to 8plus. that's like wow a lot.
bugis street is cool! can get lost inside so fun. and you can BARGAIN!! bargaining should be a shopping essential.. shopkeepers should be put in jail if they refuse shoppers to bargain. :x

liting if you are reading this, i want you to know that you made my day and that i love you :) very much. i've got you and you've got me!

we rawk. 23072005

nick if you are reading this, i want you to know that you've been an awesome friend. okay my phone just beeped cos you smsed. gee haha. thanks for putting up with my terrible behaviour (being late when you're not, borrowing too much moolah, making you worry cos of a crazy moth, making you queue for ban mian all the time). and we make sure secrets remain secrets, even your dirty little ones. you're my best guy friend cos you're nick lo buddy-o. :)

janice made me laugh today. vavavoom vavasantham x)
and i'm not greedy you pig. je tu deteste.

and dance is starting!! thank gawd. i miss practices. i even almost miss the studio. ryan hasnt taught us new stuff for so so long. i wonder what colour his hair is now (haha). plus i need to dance my fats off. wednesday faster come faster come.

i was jus tellin freda, mum told me next yr my birthday falls on chu qi. which means it's ren ri. which means it's everyone's birthday.
my birthday is everyone's birthday!

speaking of birthdays, i swear too many people are born in november.

i want to go

i want to get out of this house

i don't want to live here anymore

bbq

today was fun. good ol kcians will be kcians. so fun haha.

but i am damn fat now. must not eat tmr. must not!!

AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY VAL!! :)

entry #3

it has never happened before and this is so not the right time of the year to get pissed.
is it me or are you dissing me for no reason? maybe it's miscommunication and i hope i got your tone of voice wrong and i hope you didnt mean what you said and i hope you werent serious when you said what you said and i hope you wont like get mad at me or anything and i dont know why i'm so affected when maybe it's just nothing and i'm blowing things way out of proportion and i hope nothing ever comes out of this


i have so many things in my head now i want to get it out all at once but somehow nothing's coming out i'm forcing it all back in cos nobody will understand cos nobody gets me anyway

.amgine

i see myself in you

havent been watching that central documentary for ages
and there's the cutest girl ever called charlotte!



charlotte: mummy and daddy weren't getting along very well so they moved apart.
some adult who's part of the show: were you sad?
charlotte: no.
kids are just so friggin honest with everything.


it's pretty strange that we're not rilly that different after all.

someone once told me the grass was much greener on the other side

i'm up at the most ungodly hour!!
i remember i had a lot of latenight phonechats a long time ago. had one today. i wouldnt say we talked about a lot of 'deep' stuff but nevertheless it was good cos i think i got to know you a lil better. i know i'm not very open yet and all but i'll open up at my own pace and then we can be better friends.

prying people and digging out secrets is interesting. you never expect to hear what you hear. RIGHT NICK? hoho. i still dont believe it. you crazy shit.

don't worry i won't leak out any of the secrets i've heard. ;)



i still keep thinking about what we talked about earlier..
you have what i want and i want what you have.
honestly i think your life's fine the way it is, i don't know why you have issues with it. you have a good family, a comfortable life, and i think you have nice friends (cos you have me! yeaa :D)
so it's still a lil hard thinking that i have things that you want.. i appreciate certain aspects of my life, but i feel like an underprivileged misfortunecookie in other areas. (you shld kinda know which aspects i'm talkin about)
i guess people always overlook what they ALREADY have, and concentrate on what they want. but what exactly distinguishes a want from a need. i feel that my missing aspects are more of a need than merely a want.

the as told by ginger theme song is so apt.. someone once told me the grass was much greener on the other side


good intentions misunderstood


even if your words had truth, you didnt quite say it in the nicest of ways

i will not bitch i will not bitch i will not bitch


looking on the brightside, fuck off janice! you and your french hahahahhahha
btw it's a green jellybean on legs!!

i'm not like that

is it funny that my mum doesn't trust me?


i can't help it


okay weird charlotte fact of the day: when i'm scared, i instinctively cover my ears. i don't know why i do it. i just do it. it's like my reflex action thingythingy. i really can't help it, but people still tease me for it. :(

hey at least i wouldn't scream like a deranged asylum-seeker. pfft.

halloween is cursed

oh fuck i dont think i can pass chinky.