* fragments of the same dead star



a girl who doesnt live life the way she wants it to be, peppering her existence with countless regrets along the lifelong journey



EARCANDY

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this is the entry of unwelcome stranger part II ! hahaha so crap i cant stand it.

anyway after yesterday's sports day, xiaoying and i cabbed down to kc to visit. and its like damn different now la. the first shock of the day was seeing some security guard at the gate. like what theeee.......!! since when do we need security guards la.

and hell. we cant even have a decent meal in the canteen anymore. we got called up by mrs sng (discipline mistress). and interrogation session begins. what are you doing here.. where did u come from.. who are you seeing.. where's your visitor's pass. crap. why the hell do we need the visitor's pass. hello kc.. we're your freakin old girls in case you've forgotten! why enforce security rules against us. and even if those rules were mandatory.. mrs sng could have been nicer about it no doubt. she pissed me off la.

met my sister's friends to pull a surprise on her for her early birthday celebration. they decided to ice skate.. so off to jurong entertainment centre. haha sounds so corny. i mean.. the west is like quite weird la. entertainment centre.. then open space.. then mrt station.. then open space.. then IMM building.. like what's with all the wasted space man!!

west aint the best, and east aint the least. wahahahhah i crapped that up a long time ago.. and i still remember it :p

anyway.

today's kc family day. went real early at 10plus just to see the opening dance. but i only saw it a distance away from the kcp bus stop cos i was waiting for xiaoying. i know the steps la! it's the same dance i did when i was in sec 2. but the costumes quite cute in a funny way.. haha. but i love the choreo. and it was neat.. the positions looked good from where i was standing. not messy. nice. i felt the energy. ahhh! haha. i'm proud of kcdancerz. :) altho they got silver this year.. things will get better yea? cant wait for emdd.. gala night!! you girls better perform well this year.. it's my first year going for emdd as part of the audience.. not the performer. oooh i miss the victoria theatre backstage now.. so familiar with it man.

anyway kc primary is so different now la. and why on earth is the drinks stall called "spring n sparkle"???????? hahaahaha! hilarious!! its jus a drinks stall for goodness sake! oh man i miss the old days.. i wonder if melissa's parents are still manning the stall as before.. buying yakult cos of the free toy.. queueing up at the side for the famous coke float.. haha. aunty mary at her snacks stall.. being her grouchy self at times.. uncle lim's bookshop!! oh my.. choosing the skipping ropes and the five stones and the ribbons and the colouring books.. shouting "uncle liiiiiiim!" to get his attention cos everyone's crowding to buy things.. oh my those were the days..

and funfairs arent the same when you're just a VISITOR. no more a student. no excitement of setting up the stalls.. dragging pple to play ur game or to buy ur food.. no walking around to advertise.. when you're just walking around.. it's like 'yeah whatever'.

and it didnt help that mrs sng managed to piss me off yet again by stopping us when we walked past her stall. she forced me to buy the cake thing from her stall la. its cool that the girls baked it themselves but i had oreddy shared a box of pelican pizza (haha!) with xy. im wasnt hungry. and she made me buy it.. :/

i want my old life but it doesnt want me back. pushing me to carry on forward. what mr jega said yesterday made sense. that life's a forward journey. i guess i have to let go of what's past.. even if that means not being a kc girl anymore.

sports day.

strange to say.. i only enjoyed it when i was with my dance peeps.

jeanette, erica, genevieve (part-time dancer haha cos she was there to support for danceworks too) and i headed to the prata cafe after cheering victor on during his volleyball match. somehow our conversation steered towards the intricate divide that separates cca mates from classmates. i didnt realise my dance mates (well only the 2 of them for tt matter) are feeling the same way that i do.

when gen and i went back to support our class for the netball match, we realised we were too late cos it was like almost ending when we reached. i felt soooooooo bad. and it didnt help that our class lost tt match. felt damn bad for not being there support, even tho my presence wouldnt hell make any difference to the outcome. but still you'd get that feeling like you couldnt even do your part by simply being there. like.. you'd rather be with ur cca than with ur class. rilly felt damn bad.

at that moment, i felt an immense wave of confusion and guilt wash over me. i looked up to the sky so the tears could fall back in my eyes. where does my loyalty lie.

i'm lost. i'm neither here nor there. i dont belong anywhere. but i long to belong somewhere. anywhere.

gen says you cant have both sides. like your loyalty either lies with the class or with the cca. but she didnt rilly seem to see anything wrong in that. but the thing is that i dont wanna neglect either one.

prize giving ceremony. t32 emerged as the overall champions =) everyone went up to receive the trophy, jumping screaming all.
and where was i? with the dance peeps. i felt so extra all of a sudden.

somehow.. i'd rather be with dance than with the class. being around pple who share your same interest.. it's more close-knit.. going thru problems together.. making each other's props.. lending each other costumes.. sharing all our makeup for syf (albeit losing some of them in the process).. crazy photo taking in the canteen.. the outings..
but you're with the class more often.. monday to friday.. all those lectures and tutorials.. but yet i feel so detached. dont quite fit in somehow. cant break into the circles that have already been formed.
and knowing other pple feel the same way is a consolation of sorts. but still..

torn apart. part of me wants a part of everything. why cant everything balance out.

anyway, a happy birthday to dear kaka altho i couldnt celebrate it with you. hope you like ur cap from all of us!

tears are brimming in my eyes. trying not to let them fall. you're in our bedroom now, you just pissed me off. and at the same time i'm enjoying the oreo cheesecake you bought for me. and 5 mins ago you were pissed off when i didnt wash the dishes. and the list goes on.

this love-hate relationship we share.

when i'm the lazy, irresponsible slacker that i am, you nag at me. when i take initiative, you blame me for not informing you first. what the hell. i'm through with this.

nothing i do is enough for you. i simply don't know what you expect from me, but i want to make you happy. it's just that i dont show it, maybe that's why you dont see it.

but everything seems alright now, you just asked me if i like the cake. of course i do, you bought it for me. =)

despite my frustration, confusion, wanting to please you...... you're the best thing that's happened in my life ever since all the shit started.

i still remember sometime a couple of years back, when you woke me up in the middle of the night becos of the unwelcome "guest" (that bitch). i was scared something bad was going to happen. and i was sad about all the shit. and i couldnt take it. and while i poured out all my tears, you kept yourself strong and held me in your arms for the longest time and i felt like i was in the most safest place in the world. the solace i found in your arms, that security was enough for me. even if you have forgotten that day, i will always remember it.

i foresee more spats and catfights in the many long years ahead, but despite it all.. you know i love you. :)

and i hope you have a happy, fun-filled, meaningful, memorable 21st birthday. you deserve it.


everyone thinks it's unfair.
but you'll never think that way if you're part of the group guilty of ostracizing others.
insidiously, it creeps up upon you. without your realising.
unaware.
and you know nobody wants to be an outcast.
but we are all human.
selfish at times, and we dont care how lonely others feel.

friday night chillin with liting and janice was great =) i miss my old friends so muchhh. but sorry jan for being pissed at you for a while :P

and saturday night chillin with sarah was just as great =) so many things have been happening.. i'm glad we took the time to catch up

and sunday was pretty fun too.. so-called study session with erica, weijie and luke. ended up playing with our food (and other pple's) haha weijie and luke smashed up like what 4 hamburgers and we all 'popped' the popcorn chicken and caught onion rings with our fingers. yes. and so we studied.

and oh my oh my. from friday to sunday i spent them all in PARKWAY.

and something tells me that something's going on.. and today i realised dada feels the same way too ;> we shall monitor the situation!

and despite it all..
i feel so let down today.

prepared for it. looked forward to it. and then in the end.. not performing for it.
maaaaaaaaaaaan.
but i want to i want to i want to i want to i want oti ni want to tii nwat ot otiwna wtoanwotnaiowtnaownt

okay a little bit of frustration there.
i shall get over it.

there must be better things than this.

kinda peeved that yesterday's entry didnt get posted cos my com screwed. and my super long friendster testimonial to gemma didnt get thru too. pffft.
;<

so anyway. let's move on.

being late for lectures will not do. that's cos our class seats get taken up by other peevers. so nice sitting at the back. found a place next to weijie and altho i tried my best to concentrate on oh-my-so-marvelous hydrogen bonds and van der waals' forces, talking about dance politics with weijie was the better option. hoho. at the expense of my melting and boiling points, but it's okay.

and i still cant imagine worms dropping off the ceiling from weijie's classroom.omigaaahhh.

dance was gooood. and ryan got his hair colour back to black again hoho. the choreo for sports day is like super fast. like whoa! and it's over. huh can i see that again? haha. and like i can remember the steps when we're doing it altogether but when we split into groups and the rest are watching, i just forget! like some old grandma man. is it my nerves or something. it's definitely not stage fright.. but probably some extent of self-consciousness. like ooh people are watching, u better do it right. then you screw up even if u didnt mean to.

today kaka and dada told me something that i shouldnt have heard. but they were like contemplating whether or not to tell me, and that got me all curious and i kept wanting to know. so they told. and i decided i shouldnt have known. hurhurrrrrrrr. :/

it's no use trying when everything is piling up and crushing you from all directions and you can't find any way to escape.i give up.

oh my oh my. it's been like a month since i last blogged. so many things have happened since then. the last major happenin in my life was the performance at TP on friday (the day i skipped the OCS safti thing.. :D)
but i am lazy. i am imperfect. i am not hardworking. i am not going to blabber on about all those happenings for the whole world to see and anyway not even a millionth of the entire human race won't give a shit for my two cents worth. so why bother? :D
i just hope those memories will stay in my mind. it's oh so easy to forget the things that you don't want to forget especially when you don't pen them down. even when you try oh so hard not to forget but in the end you know you will.
and what am i blabbering on about here. :/ i am so full of nonsense.

and here i'm going to dedicate this space to my one and only HO LITING :)))))) i am so glad we met up over the weekend. even tho jan minimoni (haha) and sarah couldn't make it, we still had some quality time together aye! laughing at the subway woman who just cant seem to get the right cookies that we wanted (how silly), laughing at "patrick" and his lava-flowing actions, talking, yakking et cetera et cetera. and the day wouldn't be complete without shopping right! so that's what we did. :) i havent gone shopping for monkey eons. and we always pick out the same stuff at the same time! i know you still miss that lovely skirt in that vintage-ish shop hehe. walking around half-worrying if passers-by would think we were lesbians was quite funny too ;> i miss you i miss you.

i miss all of you. last time i used to look forward to recess cos that's when we all could meet up outside class and talk and do last-minute studying and homework and whatever. now there's nothing to look forward to anymore. now breaks aren't spent with you girls. :( i don't look forward to them as much anymore

and i miss you i miss you i miss you. we live so close by yet we're miles apart. but i guess you're preoccupied with your own life. not to say that i myself am not preoccupied. i'm like more busy than ever. but i could make time for you, like squeezing out droplets from an almost-dry sponge. however i dont know if you'd do the same for me.
man i hate drifting apart.
but somehow i know we wont drift apart that easily. i guess i'll put in a lil more effort.

i hate effort. it's making me so tired.