* fragments of the same dead star



a girl who doesnt live life the way she wants it to be, peppering her existence with countless regrets along the lifelong journey



EARCANDY

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time to do some serious work.

will overnight study sessions at the airport be the norm? i think it's not bad rilly. pushes me to at least SOMETHING.

windy heights is a nice place.. it lives up to it's name too pls. the night breeze is so relaxing. it kinda makes you forget about how stressed up and screwed up and messed up life and stuff is.

i need a new life. or perhaps maybe just a new environment. in any case, i'm bored with the monotony of student life. to hell with school. give me my (maybe not well-deserved but nevertheless i still friggin want it) HOLIDAYS!

okay unrealistic dreams aside, it's seriously time (in fact, a tad too late) to start hardcore mugging. the ugly prospects of possibly (very possibly) failing promos more than outweighs the obligation of being a good citizen and celebrating the nation's birthday.

RAPTURE WAS GOOOOOOOD. makes me feel like what a crappy dancer i am.
nothing.
incapable.
not up to standard.




our friendship seems tense.
subtle disagreements.
defending our own statements.
making each other feel stupid.
i never thought it would be like this ever..
and it's not like i enjoy things this way.
i wish we'd stop.

a chocolate chip cookie doesn't stay whole forever.
it will crumble.
our bond is breaking apart.
how exothermic. okay whatever charlotte.

imma so fulla crap.

bay beats was great. not just the music. (and the absurdly crazy moshing.)
but josh was there. again!!
but it's too sad. he doesnt know of my existence. yet by chance i happened to know his name.. and already it has made me form an identity of a boy who is virtually a stranger to me. a very cute boy at that. i'll never see him again.
so goodbye josh. i must try to forget your cuteness. it's hard. but i must do it!


You are feeling really miserable at this time and you'd like to form a relationship with someone with whom you could really communicate. At the same time, whoever it may be, that special 'someone' must not conflict with your own belief system or ideals. This makes for tough going - but it would seem that the situation is only transitory. It will soon pass.
Most people are conditioned by their environment and you are no exception. You are an extremely emotional person - so much so that 'the wrong word' can lead you to tears. You feel other people's pain. You feel the need of sympathetic relationships and a pleasant work environment in order to develop and grow. You are an impulsive, loving individual with a great deal of inherent feeling.
Nothing seems to be going right for you and you are thwarted every way you turn. You are not at all happy with the situation but it would appear that there is very little that you can do about it at this time. Sit back and let the situation take its course, because at this time you feel that there is nothing you can do to change whatever needs to be changed.
As of late, you have been experiencing untold stress and this is a result of continuous frustration. You haven't been taking care of all your physical needs and it's beginning to show. It would seem that you have a need to find someone to whom you can really relate - someone perhaps whose standards are as high as your own. You want to be different - to be individualistic - to stand out from the common herd. Your inherent control of your sensual instincts is restricting your ability to give yourself to open up freely but this being on your own, being lonely, often makes you feel the need to give up some of your strict standards to surrender to the general flow - to be like everyone else; a part of the herd. Deep down you regard such instincts as weaknesses to be overcome. You would like to be loved or admired for yourself alone. You demand recognition and tender loving care.
You are putting on a show - a facade. You are a master of demonstrating considerable charm in the hope that this can or will lead to better things. Deep down you are fearful that this may not work and that you may have to employ other strategies in order to realize all your ambitions.

i think it's rilly spot-on! i dunno how the whacko test does it.. but it does.. and it's freaking me out. like omg is there some psychic behind that computer screen peeking into my brain or smth. how can choosing 8 colours in random order describe so much about me in a way i could never put down in words myself? amazing. utterly amazing.

ballet under the stars last night! except that instead it turned out to be ballet under the moon, the helicopter and many many clouds. (there were no stars!) the helicopter from dumbass ndp preview half-drowned out the performance and it refused to go away! and there was a slight drizzle and it was funny putting mel's plastic sheet over our heads while having our dinner on the grass at fort canning green. hilarious. we looked like runaways with no home or shelter.

but the highlight of the evening wasn't the ballet performance (the little mermaid staged by sdt), but it was the conversation we had after it was all over. simon was asking weijie bout his faith, and about why he didnt believe in God and all that. it was all so intriguing.. simon has so much insight. his opinions were so honest.. even wj says he has a special way of talking to people even if it didnt work for him.

i rilly need god.. more than i ever knew.. i'd never felt so lost before.. i can't rilly recapture all the emotions i felt the night before.. but the part about spiritual warfare rilly freaked me out. i'm not ready for everything i was about to hear so i stopped simon before he could delve further. like he said.. knowledge is power but knowledge is also fear.

also had a long talk with vincent about how my spiritual life was in danger and stuff. he's going back to church.. good for him too.. but as for me, going to church alone is not going to improve my spiritual life. in fact.. it could deprove. cos i'll be going to church for the wrong reasons all over again. and i'm afraid that telling vincent the reason why i dont go to church now could actually convince him not to go too.. and i dont want that! i dont want to cause anybody to turn away from god.. but i think i almost did. and i should kill myself for that.

i havent been writing for e longest time! so many things have happened.. i dont know if i can recapture all those moments in my mind and release them thru my fingers.. typing away.. hahahahaha

where shall i start hmm.

okay the furthest my memory would let me go to is the day of... emdd!! first time watching it as part of e audience.. but it's definitely not as fun as doing the performing. i can still remember the fun times! sleeping on liting's shoulder all the way from school to the theatre (sorry for cramping your shoulder teddybear!) and squeezing into the dressing room and taking whacked photos and putting on makeup and putting on more makeup and putting on even more makeup until you cant recognise yourself and losing the makeup and looking out for friends in the audience and the fast costume changes and going backstage and shivering at the wings and hugging and more group hugging and all the "good lucks" and "break a leg" and then.. showtime! x)

honestly i wasnt expecting a good show.. but overall emdd 2005 was more entertaining than i thought it'd be. the primary school kids were a scream! so bloody cute. the choir's 'you go sam!' and 'blue skies!' and the toy bunny's 'the boy loves me.. so why am i not real??' awwww damn sweet and cute and yeah.
and the retro dance was spunky la. haha damn cute can. the primary 2 girls were shaking their tiny asses man.. oh and i realised later that jenna choreo-ed it. cool
kcdancerz SYF dance was the only thing i was looking forward to.. and damn right it was worth the anticipation. it looked just so good! i was already stunned in the gym when mel, anne and i saw them rehearse in june. how on bloody earth can such a nice dance get SILVER. super unfair.. i was semi-tearing while watching.. like the tears fill up at the brim then you blink them off. but then again.. i guess it wasn't polished enuff on syf day or smth.. getting the gold isnt everything.
oh and christine doesnt like the dance.. grr. but she's the only one so far.. so haha.
drama has improved lots.. the girls were really into their characters.. it was damn serious and scary..
and curtain call was interesting this time.. instead of the usual cca-after-cca take position and bow routine.. remember practising for curtain call.. everyone drove raj crazy hahahaha! except the dancers woohoo

spent friday afternoon on a lunch date with stef :) rilly miss her man.. she always has so many things to tell! haha and they're ever so funny. remember those times she tried to tutor me.. driving me up the wall with lit. the punishments!! horrid essays!! and writing out the longest act in shakespeare's twelfth night.. ahh twelfth night.. if music be the food of love, play on!

went to school after that to study maths glorious maths! everyone else calls it MATH but it's just so weird i think.. it sounds funny. and you usually have to repeat your sentence cos pple cant catch that word when it's said out. so i stick to maths.. it's kinda wrong but whatever i jus like it that way.
so anyway i was walking into school and while walking past the guys toilet i could hear some guys screaming away and water running.. so they were like crapping around while taking a bath. everyone walking past shot weird looks at the toilet's direction.. i'm serious. haha. i thought nothing of it.... until i realised they were victor, trevor and brian. omigaaaah.
went to study w michael, nic and vince. michael's a helpful fella. vince sent another of his crappy smses altho i was like jus sitting across from him. stupid boy la haha.
went to play pool after that! another bout of pool addiction.. cant get enuff!

saturday was spent w erica and jeanette with glorious math(s) again. then pool again w the old school friends :) minimoni teddybear and hmm let's see.. what shall i call liying.. teddybear's clone. hahaha whatever. liying's canoeing stories are damn fun to listen to! the duration of her trust walk story was 3 'janice-vs-liting' pool games long! haha i was scared la while listening to her thing. chilled at our usual place after pool, then went home at almost midnight.

and i didnt sleep till 4plus 5. totally not intended. i was walking to my desk to get something and from out of no where some huge-ass COCKROACH came scuttling towards my hand. like what the shit! i shot out of the bedroom and slammed the door shut. okay so i enclosed the cockroach in the bedroom but as long as it's far from me.. yeah. it was rilly damn super close and it was damn super huge. and of all things i have to be afraid of roaches.
you can put me in a room with 20 lizard and i wouldnt give a hoot.
but not a cockroach. no not even a baby one.

and like nobody seemed to care except fiona.. rilly gotta thank her for trying to calm me down.. i'm such a wuss seriously.. i was crying and my heart was jumping out and beating like crazy.. and i have never been so scared to the brink of crying and it happened last night :/ i'm a retard.

sunday was spent studying maths again w erica! maths crazy we all are.. quite productive today la.

and who's the person that mel and wj are talking bout!! who are you!
bursting w curiosity lol