* fragments of the same dead star



a girl who doesnt live life the way she wants it to be, peppering her existence with countless regrets along the lifelong journey



EARCANDY

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

so deep in static

i love the way we understand
what imperfection feels like
i love the way we look out for each other
how i can make things a little better for you
the way you do for me
i love the way we dont bother
when people give us dirty looks for holding hands
i love the way you put in words
what i can't explain in my heart
a thousand thanks to Janice Tan Ai Ling
one of the best things to ever happen to me

not myself

suppose i said
i am on my best behaviour
and there are times
i lose my worried mind
suppose i said
colours change for no good reason
and words will go
from poetry to prose
wait it out while i am someone else
and i, in time, will come around

suppose i said
colours change for no good reason

zhiying made my day (but i forgot which day :l) when she brought me this


it's rilly special cos it's only 125 ml! it fits in the palm of your hand. and she gave it to me all becos i won the 'count the number of stops to your station from clementi' game on our hollandv day. x)


and on monday i folded my first lotus. but i merely blindly followed gen's instructions so technically no i still cant do it. anyway suejeanie made this for viona and i. it's still under my desk. pretty pretty.

actually sj went into origami mode during our last econs lect, i made the squares while she proceeded to turn them into lotuses and boats and the fortuneteller thing and the limited edition karen airlines paper plane which almost flew out the door hoho.

afterschool with nikki was time well spent. goodness all the hellopandas we ate. :) mrs ho introduced us to her son hahah. he seemed so shy and we seemed like giggling girly ditzies haha.

and on the way to school i looked out the window at eunos primary there. and i saw

my first perfect rainbow! it doesnt look like much here.. but it was so pretty! it was gorgeous i swear albeit the grey sky. despite the panic of being late for school, it was the best morning out of the week.

okay that's it i'm tired.

maybe i'm amazed

marissa: i just want you to know, i understand why you have to do this
ryan: thanks
marissa: but i wish you didnt have to
ryan: me too

so sad! :( :( :(
awww

never a day goes by
without something
stopping me hard in my tracks
i could be happy
and i'll never know it
till never a day comes back







i'm scared.

i fear
that i'm not ready for it
to know what's on your mind

lanoe

i dont understand how it came to be like this
and what can i do now





i wish someone would be two steps behind me

i dont agree with it completely.
but there's gotta be some truth to it.

you chose BY - your Enneagram type is FOUR.

"I am unique"

Romantics have sensitive feelings and are warm and perceptive.

How to Get Along with Me
.Give me plenty of compliments. They mean a lot to me.
.Be a supportive friend or partner. Help me to learn to love and value myself.
.Respect me for my special gifts of intuition and vision.
.Though I don't always want to be cheered up when I'm feeling melancholy, I sometimes like to have someone lighten me up a little.
.Don't tell me I'm too sensitive or that I'm overreacting!

What I Like About Being a Four
.my ability to find meaning in life and to experience feeling at a deep level
.my ability to establish warm connections with people
.admiring what is noble, truthful, and beautiful in life
.my creativity, intuition, and sense of humor
.being unique and being seen as unique by others
.having aesthetic sensibilities
.being able to easily pick up the feelings of people around me

What's Hard About Being a Four
.experiencing dark moods of emptiness and despair
.feelings of self-hatred and shame; believing I don't deserve to be loved
.feeling guilty when I disappoint people
.feeling hurt or attacked when someone misundertands me
.expecting too much from myself and life
.fearing being abandoned
.obsessing over resentments
.longing for what I don't have

Fours as Children Often
.have active imaginations: play creatively alone or organize playmates in original games
.are very sensitive
.feel that they don't fit in
.believe they are missing something that other people have
.attach themselves to idealized teachers, heroes, artists, etc.
.become antiauthoritarian or rebellious when criticized or not understood
.feel lonely or abandoned (perhaps as a result of a death or their parents' divorce)

Fours as Parents
.help their children become who they really are
.support their children's creativity and originality
.are good at helping their children get in touch with their feelings
.are sometimes overly critical or overly protective
.are usually very good with children if not too self-absorbed

Your walk is: Sort of like Kickboxing Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

so anyway.
i havent danced in ages.. today i feel like i've lost touch with it altogether.



it kinda hurts to know that
you don't need me

note to self:
charlotte it's not the end of the world
dont freak out just becos you cant find your maths notes.

BAH. WHO AM I KIDDING.

:(






why do you seem so far away

deproving nafa test scores only highlight the inevitable process of ageing

clean and clear

major lack of forty winks
and yet i wasnt as lethargic as i thought i would be



dear secretfriend:
i'm sorry i caught on so late
i must slap myself for not being observant enough
not sure if my words were of much help
but that's not with a lack of trying
glad enough that my shoulder was helpful today :)
you know i'd do anything for you
dont conceal your weaknesses
because i want to help you deal with them
i smile inside when i see you smile outside
clean and clear :)

it was a happy early easter

ditzy gabbana thought she took the wrong train when actually she was on the right one. she switched trains only to find out later that she made a mistake by actually trying to correct a mistake. ditzyyyy!!
and viona is my mischa barton :) she really looked the part today!
when we went to suejean's, we (FINALLY) watched the vday powerpoint she made for ariel/badie. hilarious and sweet at the same time. so much effort put into it!

you rawk girl!


we had the time of our lives talking about everyone, everything and nothing at all. and the shrek ears! and the camwhoring. oh and yeah the gp project which was supposed to be our main agenda hoho. it sure did make time fly. and then it was time for our holland v chillout! ( which unfortunately val couldnt come with us :/ )

dolce & gabbana (:


spizza and friends was great. we also had fun walking into the sidebyside shops with all the cool pricey stuff. and going photocrazy at haagen daz where mischa and i found our favourite chocolate fudge cake on earth. (psst it's not 1, not 2, but 3 layers high!)


if only all days could be filled with fun times such as these, i'd be the happiest being on earth :)

i love them girls
my chemical romance ;D



happy good friday

how the week flies by, crammed with brain-draining yet spaced-out moments.

useless info: my mum says 4288 came out as last week's first prize in 4D. wow haha.

i always tell myself to stop eating so much. why do i not listen.

sometimes in, sometimes out.

mrs koh deserves the best teacher award :)

it's pretty sad and depressing that the last movie i watched was CHRONICLES OF NARNIA on 2nd jan. (where are you jaenus have you been up ur anus cos i havent seen you in ages)

i have finally been to serangoon gardens.

i like stickers and colourful scribbles.

i dont like rainy days. maybe just not today.

i didnt find anything after all
because i didnt search hard enough

out of our skins

silence isn't always golden.

you're fading away
it's almost as if i never knew you

a plain morning

you and you may never understand how or why i feel ____ ___.

another you and you can go on and on without me.

i dont know what's going on if you dont say a thing.

i'm happy now at least that i know i wasn't being -------.

can't wait for our ketchup session.

the next minute you turn around and say everything is okay.

i like gingerbread men made with love.

# is my unlucky number.

everytime you say things are fucked up, i dont know what to think anymore.

i dont know how it happened but it rained on this plain morning.

and the clouds are still here on the back of my mind.

txy: "hey you know why i'm not in your chem class? cos they say we alway talk alot so gotta separate us haha."

"haha no she asked if i wanna go back to the class. on the condition that i'll sit away from you. haha."

OHDEAR :x
i'll zip up

tag you're it

oops i've been leaving off replying to the tags for a bit.. instead of flooding the tagboard i'll do it here

daph: annoyingvoice------> (hehe!)
lting: lullaby loves her teddybear :) aye but how come you never reply to my sms.. :(
cass: where were you on saturday?!!
mika: you were a major part of my danceworks experience.. i love you!
ka: erica gabrielle isabelle koh wheee~ mrs koh's husband doesn't like danielle!
dinahh: thanks for the brownie that day! 0_0 <--- dinah's big eyes
bev: we run this, we run this oh oh oh! bev looks so cute when playing the bum bounce game!
nikki: i hugged nikki today yayyy~ "rainbows, ghost stories and sunday mornings" ---> guess which almostnakedanimal said that!
melly: who gave you your cookie today? HAHA
joan and nikki: not paying attention during gp i see! but it's good too that your attention got diverted to ME *mwahaha*
germs: come visit often! :>
bose: NOOOOOO! i never wanna hear that haha!

my heartfelt catharsis

everyone in the incandescence 06 team deserves special mention. and here it is.

anthea
i think you're the sunshine of the team. :) i'm tickled by your littlegirl ways. but your cute blurness at times doesn't undermine your dance talent. anthea.. you've got it. good technique. i secretly refer to you to make sure i get my steps right. and your style is hard to match. practically none of us can do your head-swerving thing haha. and ryan sometimes tells you to show us your moves when we all cant seem to get what ryan's trying to tell us. you're an asset to the cjdance team! and amidst all our practices you're still juggling with your horizon thing. hats off to you girl.

bev
my angry beaver :) you're one of the easiest j1s to warm up to. i enjoy the many practices we have together.. sometimes having a little chat at the foyer when i first walk into school.. i hope you take care of yourself and your back injury.. okay that was kinda random haha. not only do we dance together, we talk about weird funny things too! you're more than just a junior to me. angry charlotte loves her angry beaverrr

da
we've been thru so much together it's impossible to squeeze it all here. just impossible. do you realise how in so many of the dances we've done, we always end up dancing side by side at some point of time? we have fate and how cool is that! but besides our onstage moments, we've plenty of backstage moments as well. here's to say that above all i enjoyed our quiet sunday morning on mich's balcony with all our happy tree friends x)

jac
the dearest jacjac. i feel intimidated by your freestyle. OWNAGE! you're our freestyle princess haha. i dunno how to explain it exactly but you have this unique sweetness in you. when you laugh you make everyone wanna laugh along with you haha. and as you already know, i'm lovin your fashion sense. stop showing me all your nice tops cos i'll get jealous hoho.

jea
girl i know how much you worry for the dance and for the team. i'm glad it means so much to you. i know you practice rilly hard. rilly rilly rilly hard. altho sometimes i wish you wouldnt be so hard on yourself. everyone makes mistakes. speaking of mistakes, i have you to thank for for noticing when i make the wrong steps, wrong positioning etc.. it's all very much appreciated!

ka
you manage to point out the slightest mistake in our steps at times. how very observant! i remember the times when you were constantly thinking of how to improve the dance, make the steps bigger and stuff.. i was a little inspired that it was on ur mind like 24/7 even during the common tests and all.. and you've got the brightest smile amongst us all. like :DDDDDDDDD! i guess that's one of the many reasons why everyone loves to see you dance.

mel
another girl who's got dance in her blood. your talent is unbeatable!! you don't know how inspired i am when i see your groove, your unique style.. i admire how you give all out thruout every rehearsal.. how you sweat it out bucketloads dance after dance hahaha.. above all.. i see your PASSION. it cant be missed. and your dedication to kcdancerz still.. that's pure passion and loyalty. and your leadership is amazing. you give us the freedom sometimes to make some decisions but you also know how to snap us back to concentration when we get distracted once every so often. i'm glad i've got you to cheer zenith on with. i'm glad our friendship hasnt faded since primary sch days. becos of you, i know what dance rilly is.

mich
thanks so so very much for your amazing contribution to the team! your feedback when we're sorting out our nittygritty problems.. and above all.. drug-free airlines! wow you're willing to throw away any form of self-consciousness, not holding back any reserves.. to make sure we got a good placard presentation. thanks for letting us use your house too for the times when we have to meet up outside of school. we love puffy lotsa.. but we love mich more!

ming
ming ming ming. :D i love your zeal and your energy. ohmygoodness your energy! sometimes i'm afraid to be dancing next to you cos it hurts when you accidentally whack me hahaha. i can imagine you giving your sheepish grin if you're reading this. you've got humbleness when people correct your steps and that's a positive step.. cos you were used to a leadership role before cj and all.. kudos to ming!

pam
nobody can ever thank you enuff for all the amazing hard work and contribution you've put in for us all! you're so ontheball when comes to the non-dance segments of our competition. and you've got the best facial expressions. all the angst haha. and a thousand apologies for accidentally taking ur danceworks tickets.. i must have stressed you out oops! sorry sorry pam!

stelli
the unofficial baby of us all. :D you better take care of yourself! so prone to injuries.. i know you may feel intimidated when ryan used you to demonstrate one of our moves the other day.. my goodness the way he just pushed you around hahaha. but despite that you didnt waver when ryan asked you if your injuries would affect the competition. good on you! sillystelli is strong.

tash
it's amazing how taking charge of cleaning up our steps doesnt seem to take it's toll on you.. but despite that you dont impose on us what you think is right.. but you actually bother to listen to those who come up with suggestions and then go with the majority. i can't imagine how frustrating it can be for you at times, knowing how we dont seem to listen to each other in the heat of the moment. that's resilience!

and incandescence is incomplete without ryan, laoshi, mrs koh and iz! ryan's msg to mel, saying that we made him feel like dancing and that in his eyes we are winners. that made me light up when all i saw was darkness. altho ryan's inability to communicate his instructions to us at times leaves us all in a wreck and gets him all worked up. we all know his praises dont come easily. and we made him feel like dancing.
our amazing teachers who have to stay in school till verylate to wait for us to finish our practs. thanks for fitting us into your busy schedule! and we had fun thinking of names for mrs koh's baby. hello isabelle / gabrielle / evangeline (no mrs koh not evangeline!). no more fiona :l. and laoshi in your little ways you show us that you rilly care for us, mostly thru food but that's not the point now right haha.
and the star our drug-free airlines.. you looked perfect for the part! thanks a lot for sacrificing your time to contribute to a team you barely knew initially. i hope we managed to make you feel welcome and a part of us, because truly you are an important member of the team.

thanks also to jie, janice, liting and sarah for coming on down to support. jie you came alone which is something i would never do if you ever had a jazz concert. you immersed yourself among all the 'young ones' haha. and to the 3 of you.. i know i havent been a rilly good friend lately.. havent been keeping in touch..
but what i'm extremely happy about is that we managed to make it far enough to be able to perform on that very stage. it's a real blessing to be able to dance for you, to show you what i've got, to make you proud of me. i may not show how happy i am to be able to do just that.. but i truly am. it's indescribable. there is a simple joy in me knowing that no matter what even when i've let myself down, you are there for me.

and danceworks would not have been the same without marika. i'm glad that mel and i have got you as a constant pillar of support. you dont know how much it means to me. thanks for all your encouragement really. i will never forget that time when you told me you noticed so much improvement in me back from the kc days. it spurs me on to do better. i dont know if i've been as much an encouragement to you as you have been to me.. if i havent.. i'm deeply sorry. thanks so much too for being so comforting when i didnt know what to feel. you really are a blessing, i'm not saying this becos it's the right thing to say, but i say it becos i mean it with all my heart. and i'm proud of zenith for making it so far. kc has my support all the way.

and many thanks to everyone who came to support incandescence as a whole. everytime i replay the events in my head, i remember everyone still. i'm loving the banner that the other dancers did. flashed across the aisle! to the seniors who came.. to andrea and meli for the constant support! to ash dalun frans and mark who stayed up with us till late.. to dinah for doing her best to cheer us up.. to everyone who gave good luck smses..

i have so much more in me that i need to get out of my system. so much more i need to tell myself. my first ever (and possibly the last) danceworks has left an indelible mark etched in my memory. the affirmation everyone has given so far has really helped me in dealing with the utter disappointment. even tho i cant help but to be overcome with my weakness, i want to come out stronger from this.

but i have to say, i had the time of my life.

we run this. we run this. oh oh oh.

i'll tell you flat out
it hurts so much to think of this
so from my thoughts i will exclude
the very thing that
i hate more than everything is
the way i'm powerless
to dictate my own moods

i've thrown away so many things that could've been much more
and i just pray
my problems go away if they're ignored
but that's not the way it works
no that's not the way it works

when i go down
i go down hard
and i take everything i've learned
and teach myself some disregard
when i go down
it hurts to hit the bottom
and of the things that got me there
i think if only i had fought them

if and when i can
clear myself of this clouded mind
i'll watch myself settle down
into a place where peace can search me out and find
that i'm so ready to be found

i know it's wordy.. but do take a little bit of your time to read out the lyrics. when i heard this song today, the words consumed me wholly. it was a feeling indescribable.
it still resonates.